Historically, academics have ignored horoscopes like they don’t exist. But just like marking deadlines, your fate always sneaks up on you at the least convenient moment. So Madame Metaphysica advises academics to cut the disdain and pay some attention to their horoscopes for 2016, so they can prepare for the year to come.
Aries – That seemingly interesting conference with the erudite keynote speaker? Don’t go. It’s going to be disappointing. The keynote speaker is a grumpy old man repeating old tropes, the papers are incomprehensible and the wine is sour. Try a less prestigious conference in a warm, Mediterranean country instead. Much better wine.
Cancer – Don’t bother. Just… don’t bother, ok? Just leave it in the drawer. It’s not worth your time. It’s ok. It’s not you, it’s Uranus. This is just not the year for you to get published. Instead, use your time to work on improving student feedback on that introductory module you’re bored of teaching. Tip: buy them chocolate.
Leo – Due to the position of Pluto, so far, far away into the distance, the start of the year is marked by loneliness and you feel like no one understands you. This feeling is merited: your friends really aren’t interested in your research on the metaphysics of time after quantum physics. But towards the summer solstice you will meet someone who will change your life. Adopt this cat, it will be your best friend.
Virgo – Saturn an Jupiter are aligned, so your persistence in applying again and again for funding will finally pay off: a grant from a local charity will allow you to provide a sandwich lunch at your conference on early mediaeval women logicians!
Libra – Not much will change this year: you will still sell out large halls across Europe, publish here and there and attract young, beautiful, clever women in spite of your grumpy face and angry – slightly incoherent – lectures. Oh no, wait. Sorry, that’s Slavoj Žižek’s horoscope. I got confused there. Let me see. Oh yes, here it is: Libra. Oh well, just keep applying for jobs, but don’t reject the part-time teaching position yet. Beggars can’t be choosers.
Scorpio – Contrary to what you’re trying to argue in this book you’ve been writing for the past six years, the free will does not exist. It’s all in the stars. So I would advise you to abort this futile project before you waste any more time on it, if it weren’t pointless to give you this advice. You have, after all, no say in the matter because you haven’t got a free will.
Sagittarius – Write an article in which you take an outrageous position on a politically controversial topic. It will backfire dramatically, but at least you’ll have your name out there as the radical intellectual. Someone important to you will take offense and part ways.
Capricorn – With Mercury in your sign, you will realise that alcohol isn’t the solution to your despair. Mercury poisoning can cause alcohol intolerance, you see? It’s not all made up nonsense, this horoscope! Try Cognitive Behavioural Therapy instead. That has much better results with people with your levels of impostor syndrome.
Aquarius – Finally, departmental politics will work in your favour and you get to share a tedious admin task with the attractive postdoc. But be sure to check they are not a Capricorn before you get drunk with them on leftover workshop wine and lure them into the stationary cupboard! If they are, remember there are plenty of people to seduce at the next conference.
Pisces – After some frustration at the start of the year, you will encounter unexpected success when you attempt to remove the jammed paper from compartment D of the photocopier. You will ride this wave of victory until next Christmas.